You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
