6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
