If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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