Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
