I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
