I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
