so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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