Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize