I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
