Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
