If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
