that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
