I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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