I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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