never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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