I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
