If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
