In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I believe in your delicious
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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