My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
