Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
her facebook's as public as her vagina
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
