I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
