i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
