If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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