I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
