Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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