i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
