1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
