I haven't been this sober since birth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
