my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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