I faked an abortion last night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
