Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
