Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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