why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
