Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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