my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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