I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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