a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
