I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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