You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
