dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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