After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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