I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
