Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
