i just wanna soil my oats bro
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
