Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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