I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
