Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
