Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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