She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
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I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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