i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
