Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
