Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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