I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
