a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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