Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
