I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
